It doesn't take a frickin' astronaut... does it?

I abhor the news. I as a general rule absolutely REFUSE to participte in the blatant fear-mongering and sensationalism.

"What's lurking in your water? We'll tell you how to protect your family tonight @ 11!"

Damn it, it might just be too late by 11. My mom might get monstrously thirsty @ 9:30 and then she's just screwed.

"15 ways thieves could steal your identity and convince the police that you are a homeless person squatting in thier house. News Center @ 6."

I knew it! They can do that? That guy laying on my couch when I got home really wasn't my roomate after-all! If only they'd warned me @ 12!

According to those teleprompter reading, cardboard cutouts - we're all pretty much done for anyway. Our cars are unsafe and talking to my friends on a mobile phone is irradiating my brain to a nice medium well. In case you didn't know I read in the early edition that brain tumors come in Rare Medium and Well. There was an enlightening article about the dangers posed to zombies by eating undercooked brain tumors.

RIP Anna Nicole, I could give a crap about you all but for how sad it is that the news outlets hounded you LITERALLY TO DEATH. That life is not for me, and I don't want to get sucked in. I don't need details @ 11. I'd rather an imagination @ 2.

BUT - every long once in a while I see a story so fantastic in it's sugary-sweet tabloid shell that I absolutely must give a little nibble.Mrs. Nowak - I salute you. You hatched real genious level plan. I mean it.

So few people in this world have the will to follow through on something as DUMB in such a amazingly organized and intelligent way. Spock and Momma Bates had a love child and it's you!

I guess it's just the hopeless romantic in you that drove you to cross so many miles swadled in your own urine and feces to win back your first, ok, second true love. (Oh - I'm gonna get that whore! Nothing is going to stop me, not even that chili cheese burrito. I knew it didn't smell right.) Absolutely NOTHING says I love you like kidnapping and pre-meditated murder. (If you love me and you're reading this, I'd settle for maybe a good meal or a good slice of home-made pie. If your feeling adventurous, maybe we could just do it in a strange place.)

There is nothing sexier than the thought of a grown woman wearing a kettle of poop-soup dismembering the woman that I'm currently shagging. Lady - you are for the time being, an ASTRONAUT! The general public adores you. You are/were an American hero and had adventures that a .00percentage of humans in this generation will get to have. You put that and your very humanity on the line for what?

I guess just to amuse us.Luckily the mallet, rubber tubing(what the hell?) and trash bags weren't needed. Your prey survived, albeit more than likely scarred for life by those few moments your paths crossed, the confusion of seeing you, the fear and anger when you let fly your blast of pepper spray, the surprising revelation that she did not in fact soil herself with fear - you really did just smell like poo.