What am I waiting for?

When did I lose my fearlessness and my love of the little things? This morning as I was on my way to work, a funny thought drifted into my mind. A memory really. For a moment - I remembered - scratch that - I actually tasted honeysuckle. I remember the sweet aroma that used to fill our yard. I remembered how long I would stand by the back fence, plucking bud after bud. I always took great care as I separated the green base from the flower. I remember the anticipation I felt as I slowly drew the stamen through the flower, slowly and gently as to collect in it's entirety that miniscule taste, that shiny crystalline 1/8 of a drop of sweet yum.When did I forget that? When did I get too big and too hurried for it to be worth it and suddenly to not really even notice it anymore? Soon my mind wandered to other childhood things.I used to run and play and do absolutely FEARLESS things! I used to shoot arrrows and climb trees. I used to splash in ponds and pools knowing full well that I didn't know how to swim. I jumped from roofs and swung from vines. I used to hunt snakes and black widows and have grand adventures all on my own.Then one day, I met her. You know - the one. The true. The greatest. The ONLY. I didn't even blink twice before I pursued her as fearlessly as I had any tiny poisonous spider. I didn't realize that it was the most dangerous thing I'd ever done. I was completely unaware of the sway she'd have over me FOR-EV-ER.That's not me today. This year finds me on a much less bold track. I remember when I was young I used to (I know, DUMB! Don't try this at home kids) unscrew the bulb from my red crayola lamp turn it on and stick my finger in the socket. It felt like the lamp was sucking my finger in. I was changing my lamp bulb, not a red crayola, recently and I had a long slow thought about doing it again. Ladies and gentleman, I've turned to a chickenshit.I just don't remember when fear took over. It's not like I'm a "phobe", but that adventure I used to have in my life is long gone and to coin a phrase from one of my favorites, "It sucks my ass!" I wish I could go back to the moment and erase it. I wish I could fix my mind on that first moment when my eyes flashed green and I was no longer eternal. The moment that reckless child was tempered too much, tempered into oblivion. When did I start believing I couldn't?Does it matter? Do I need to track the moment? Can I fix it? Today I feel I can. Let's see how I feel tomorrow.I think I can.